I Used to Tell Myself I Was an Idiot All the Time

I can’t tell you how many times a day I call myself an idiot. Sometimes I even blurt it out loud. Other times it stays as a mental refrain. I want to get a cup but open the cabinet of plates. Idiot. I can’t find my phone for the fifth time that day. Idiot. Then I find my phone, and my five-minute break somehow becomes an hour wasted on it. Idiot. Realizing that I missed an important deadline. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Becoming aware that I’ve tried unsuccessfully for decades to stop this knee-jerk name-calling of myself? Shame on me.

I used to think that being a Christian meant that my life would, and should, be on a consistent trajectory of increasing faith and decreasing shame. The more I believed God and his promises to me, the more I should be free from shame. So, whenever I felt any shame, I would then feel shame about my shame. If I really believe that God created me and loves me, why do I so often let shame define me as someone who is damaged and worthless, a hopeless idiot?

Toni Kim is the director of spiritual care for the National Association of Evangelicals. For 17 years, she served as minister at a church in downtown Boston, where she helped found the disabilities ministry Enable Boston. Kim serves on the board of governors of Regent College and visiting board for Taylor University. She is also licensed with the Conservative Congregational Christian Conference. She is the author of “Redeeming Shame: Learning to Live in Christ’s Freedom.” In 2021, she completed Harvard Kennedy School of Government’s Public Leadership Credential. She received her bachelor’s degree from Yale University and a master’s degree in Christian studies from Regent College in Vancouver.